


The Trouble With the Truth (is That it Sucks)

by MelodramaticCoffeeAddict



Category: One Piece
Genre: Aftermath, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Depression, Friendship, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Self-Worth Issues, Suicide Attempt, Unrequited Love, Usopp is the best, ooc moments, sorrynotsorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-02
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:48:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28494867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MelodramaticCoffeeAddict/pseuds/MelodramaticCoffeeAddict
Summary: Of all people, Usopp should have fucking noticed it. He’s been there, done that. Has scars on his arms collected over years. Usopp knows that feeling of numb despair, knows what it's like to need to feel something, anything. Of all people, of everyone in their house, Usopp should have known.Or(modern au setting) After the suicide attempt, Usopp is the only one who can put this back together.
Relationships: Roronoa Zoro & Usopp
Comments: 10
Kudos: 107





	The Trouble With the Truth (is That it Sucks)

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, so it's been a hot fucking minute, everyone. I mean, a HOT minute. But, I'm trying to be active again and fighting through some issues. Thus, this fic came about. It's really helped me work through some deeply personal issues. There is going to be some MAJOR OOC moments and I won't apologize for any of them. Part of me feels this fic is a bit too personal to share, but at the same point and time, I also think that this fic is important. Because, here's the thing: MENTAL HEALTH IS IMPORTANT. And ANYONE can suffer from mental health issues. I don't care how "tough" they are or how "badass" they are. Don't shame people for their mental health. Don't tell them they need to "toughen up" or "get over it" or "it isn't that bad". Support them. Let them know you'll listen. 
> 
> That being said, this fic has some pretty dark moments. It's the aftermath of a suicide attempt and the fallout that follows it.  
>  **TRIGGER WARNINGS**  
>  _mentions of suicide attempt_  
>  _depression_  
>  _anxiety_  
>  _thoughts of suicide_  
>  **Please read responsibly!**
> 
> While this fic was something of therapy for me, it could be triggering to someone else. Please take care of yourself! I love you all. You're strong, wonderful, and perfect. Don't EVER let anyone tell you any different!

Of all people, Usopp should have fucking noticed it. He’s been there, done that. Has scars on his arms collected over years. Usopp knows that feeling of numb despair, knows what it's like to need to feel something,  _ anything _ . Of all people, of everyone in their house, Usopp should have known. But, it’s Zoro. Strong, confident Zoro. 

Zoro, who started skipping meals as often as he skipped classes.

Zoro, who has started to lose interest in his once unshakable devotion to kendo.

Zoro, who slept way too much and refused to go out on the town with them like he used to.

Zoro, who suddenly started informing them all that he cared about them and gave them random presents. (Usopp had gotten a new slingshot and marbles because Zoro had seen them at the thrift shop and he knew that Luffy had broken his old one. When Usopp questioned it, Zoro had only shrugged and said it was too quiet without Usopp shooting the cowbell after games of beer pong.)

Zoro, who is currently laying in a hospital bed with doctors and nurses trying to fix the arteries that he nicked on both arms.

Usopp should have noticed it, seen all those signs. In some ways, he had. But, the truth of the matter is that Usopp  _ never _ thought that  _ Zoro _ would try to committ suicide. Usopp had ignored the signs because, in truth, Usopp thought Zoro was stronger than that. 

Turns out, he isn't. And, it sucks, because Zoro is supposed to be untouchable. Like Sanji and Luffy. The so-called Monster Trio, dubbed for their inability to be beaten at the weekly fight club matches. All three of them placing in the top three spots and bringing in more than enough money to pay rent for the month.

“Did you get a hold of him?” Sanji asks as Luffy reappears in the waiting room. 

Luffy’s teeth grit together and he flings himself into the empty seat between Usopp and Law, fingers so tight around his cell phone that the screen cracks. “He’s not coming.”

Nami shoots up from her seat, tears still staining her eyes, and glares at Luffy with rage. “What do you mean he isn’t coming? Zoro’s his son!”

Luffy only glares at her.

“Give me that,” Law orders, taking the phone from Luffy’s grip, his hands still stained slightly red from the blood - Zoro’s blood. “Before you break it.” Law slips the phone into his pocket and allows Luffy to squeeze his hand instead.

Usopp looks away quickly, biting his lip to keep himself from ripping their hands apart. This isn’t Luffy’s fault. It  _ isn’t _ . But, Usopp is angry, so angry that Luffy can’t see, can’t pay attention to anything outside of his own fucking wants, that it takes everything in Usopp not to scream.

“God, this is why,” Nami rants, even as Robin pulls her back into a hug. “This is why. His father is such-”

“Nami,” Robin says. “That’s enough.”

“It’s not fair,” Nami sobs. “What the hell was he thinking?”

“He didn’t do it to hurt you,” Law tells her with that cold calmness. “And he probably wasn’t thinking. Suicide attempts often happen because the person-”

“Stop,” Sanji orders sharply. “We don’t need your shitty bedside manor, Trafalgar. Just, shut the fuck up.”

Law raises a cool eyebrow at Sanji but clicks his jaw shut. Luffy shoots a glare at the chef, which Sanji returns in full. Because Sanji knows too. Because Sanji saw that horrible, broken look in Zoro’s eyes when Luffy brought Law home, the same as Usopp had. Sanji heard Luffy’s sweet rejection - but a rejection nonetheless - to Zoro pouring his heart out. And, they both know that this isn’t Luffy or Law’s fault, but fuck, they need someone to be angry with. Someone other than Zoro.

The doctor arrives a few minutes later, glancing around to ask for Usopp. He blinks up at her, pointing to himself.

“M-me?” he asks around a stutter.

She nods. “I have you listed as his Health Care Proxy.”

All eyes snap to him. “I-I am?”

“That’s what his file says.”

Usopp. Not his father. Not Luffy. Usopp. Why Usopp? “Oh.”

“He’s responding well to the transfusion. You all did exactly what needed to be done to keep hypovolemic shock from setting in. You saved his life.”

Even though Usopp wants to be furious with Luffy and Law right now, he can’t help but thank God that Law had been with them.

“We’ll be moving him to a regular room within the next hour. You’ll be allowed to go see him once he’s settled.”

Breaths of relief fill the room around them.

_ Zoro looked like shit for about a month now. Not that Usopp would tell him that. The “crew”, as Luffy fittingly dubbed them since they started living together three years ago, had been attending Zoro’s kendo matches long enough that Usopp knew when Zoro was having an off day. Or, in this case, an off month. _

_ He hadn’t placed in a while and the frustration only seemed to add to his losing streak and his bad mood. Again, not that Usopp would tell him any of this. Because Zoro was scary on the best of days. When he was having a bad day, look the fuck out. _

_ He and Luffy lingered outside the stadium, waiting to give Zoro a ride back to the house and both trying very hard to pretend that they didn’t hear Zoro’s father berating him. It was hard, though. Especially when Zoro did nothing to try and keep his voice down. _

_ “Look, I’m trying, alright?” Zoro snarled. “Sorry I’m not Kuina.” _

_ “Do not,” Koshiro ordered sharply. “Drag your sister into this. She has nothing to do with your shortcomings.” _

_ “Fuck you.” _

_ And then, Zoro was storming toward them, face dark and pinched. He didn’t talk about his sister a lot, a few vague stories from when they were kids. She doesn’t come to any of his competitions. They asked about her from time to time but Zoro told them she went to college across the country and had her own tournaments to attend. So, like the rest of the house, Usopp hadn’t had the pleasure of meeting the infamous Kuina face to face. In fact, he never actually met Zoro’s father either. Seen him from a distance, sure. Been formally introduced to him, no.  _

_ Luffy frowned at Zoro as he slipped into the truck without a word, slamming the back door closed behind him, but didn’t comment on it. Usopp followed his friend’s lead and got into the truck without a word.  _

_ Zoro ignored everyone once they got home, walking straight past the dinner Sanji had prepared. His bedroom door slammed shut from upstairs. _

_ “Jesus,” Sanji muttered, glaring up the stairs. “Always with the fucking temper fits.” _

It feels so incredibly wrong for Zoro to look so fragile. The doctor told them not to be surprised if he didn’t wake up until morning and that they were welcome to stay until visiting hours closed at eight. All six of them cram into the small room, pulling plastic chairs closer to the bed and leaning against the window. Usopp watches Sanji’s fingers twitch as he plays with his lighter, desperate for a cigarette by now. 

“Did anyone call Chopper, Franky, and Brook?” Usopp asks.

Nami nods, leaning forward to readjust the blanket at Zoro’s chest. The stark white bandages on both his arms burn Usopp’s eyes. Most of the color has yet to return to his skin but he’s breathing. And, at the moment, Usopp thinks that’s all they can ask for.

“Franky’s on his way to pick them up from the airport. I told them just to wait until morning. He won’t be up before then anyway.”

“Stupid fucker,” Sanji mutters.

“Do try not to tell him that,” Robin says smoothly. “He’s in a fragile state already, Sanji. We need to understand-”

“But we don’t,” Nami interjects. “We don’t understand why the hell he would do this.”

_ I do _ , Usopp doesn’t say, staring down at Zoro’s steady breathing.

_ “What the hell is this?” Zoro demanded, pulling the bloody sleeve up Usopp’s arm to look at his poor attempt at a makeshift bandage. _

_ Usopp winced under the pressure of Zoro’s grip. “Nothing, I just.” _

_ “You just what, Usopp?” There was a fire in those dark eyes, demanding an answer. _

_ “I just hit the counter wrong when I was running by.” _

_ “You are the shittiest liar on the fucking planet. Come here.” Zoro dragged him into the bathroom and pushed him onto the toilet. His angry rants were impossible for Usopp to make out completely as he pulled a first aid kit out and opened it. _

_ “Wh-what are you doing?” Usopp cursed the nervous stutter in his voice. _

_ Zoro pulled out some alcohol wipes and bandages before unwinding the gauze Usopp had used and tossing them into the garbage can. “I’m cleaning this and bandaging it properly,” the kendo champion replied tightly. “Otherwise, you’ll wind up with an infection.” _

_ The alcohol wipes stung but Zoro held his arm steady to keep him from pulling away. Despite his rough, calloused hands, Zoro was surprisingly gentle as he cleaned the wound and placed a thick piece of gauze before wrapping a bandage around it. Usopp watches him carefully, not missing the way Zoro’s gaze moves to the other scars littered up his arm. _

_ “So,” Zoro said, adjusting the tightness of the bandage before he continued. “Want to tell me what this is really about?” _

_ Usopp's mind spun, searching desperately for something that would sound good. Something that wouldn’t make him seem utterly pathetic to the god of a man kneeling in front of him. “I was walking home today and there was a man trying to snatch a purse at knife point, so I-” _

_ “Stop,” Zoro ordered firmly. “If you don’t want to tell me the truth, say that. But don’t  _ lie _ to me, Usopp.” _

_ “I-I’m not.” _

_ “No? You get these for a bunch of purse snatchings then?” Blunt to a fault, Zoro motioned to the rest of the marks on his arm. _

_ Usopp’s face burned. “Well, well no. But.” _

_ “Look.” Zoro finished the bandages and let out a long, deep sigh, as though steadying himself. “If you don’t want to tell me, I’m not going to make you. Just. You’re my friend, alright? That means I care about you and I don’t want you hurting yourself, baka.” Stupid, Usopp thought it meant. Zoro tended to throw out Japanese often enough that the rest of them picked up on a few of the phrases. Baka was typically reserved for Luffy and Sanji, so they all assumed that it meant stupid. “Next time, come talk to me, alright? I might not understand, but I’ll listen. Instead of this, come talk to me.” _

Zoro doesn’t speak to them when he’s awake. He doesn’t speak to anyone during his seventy-two hour mandatory observation period. And, for whatever reason, Usopp is the only one he’ll look at. Even once he's released, when Usopp and Luffy go to pick him up, Zoro refuses to look at anyone other than Usopp. And he shrugs out of Luffy's hug with obvious discomfort.

It actually isn't until they get him home and up to his room that Zoro shows any sign of emotion. And Usopp can't blame him for the wide eyed, trembling rage crossing his face.

His bedroom door is gone. 

"Nami took it off," Luffy mumbles. "I told her she shouldn't, but she said no more locked doors."

Usopp wants to kill her. Judging by Zoro's enraged, twitching face, he does too. 

She probably thinks it's the safest thing. Zoro not having a door to lock means if he tries this again it won't take Luffy and Sanji literally busting the door off its hinges to get to him. But, she can't take away  _ his _ space and privacy. It will only make things worse.

"I'll talk to her," Usopp promises, trying to ignore the tears of rage and embarrassment gathering in Zoro's eyes.

Zoro doesn't give him a response, just throws his bag on the bedroom floor and stalks back down the stairs, out the back door.

"Luffy, leave him alone," Usopp orders, snatching the back of Luffy's shirt before he can follow.

"But."

Usopp glares, cutting off the protest before it can begin. "No buts. Don't treat him like a child, Luffy. He's already embarrassed. And Nami can't take his door off. That's not her place. And it's demeaning."

"We just don't want him to do it again," Luffy says. 

"Then don't make him feel bad about himself. Go get his door and put it back."

Luffy shifts uncomfortable on his feet, glancing down the stairs again. Probably worried that Zoro's doing something dangerous in the backyard. Usopp doubts it. It's far more likely that Zoro went down there to cool himself off and feel in control. 

"Look, I'll go check on him, okay? Just, get his door back. And don't let Nami treat him like he's some kid that needs to be put in time out. If she takes away his control, he'll only spiral down again."

"Is it my fault?" Luffy mutters. 

"What?"

"Zoro said that he loved me but I didn't love him. Not like that. And then Tarao-"

"Stop. And don't  _ ever _ ask Zoro that." Fury builds in Usopp's chest. "The world doesn't revolve around  _ you _ , Luffy. Get his damn door back."

Usopp storms down the stairs without giving him a chance to respond. Which is probably a little rough, but he can't bring himself to care. This isn't about them. This is about  _ Zoro _ . Even if Luffy's rejection was the breaking point, it wasn't the cause. And that's not what needs to be remedied.

Zoro's sitting on the old wooden swing out back when Usopp comes to the back door. He's scowling at the ground, white bandages still an ugly sight against his tan skin. Approaching Zoro slowly, Usopp settles himself on the ground a few feet away, crossing his legs.

"Luffy's going to put your door back," he tells Zoro. "I'm sorry. I didn't know she was going to do that."

Predictably, Zoro doesn't respond.

Usopp sighs. "Look, I'm not going to beat it to death. I know it's annoying when people do. But, I'm here, you know? If you wanna talk."

Silence.

And then. "I know."

Zoro's voice is hoarse and soft but there. Usopp wants to cry at the sound of it. It's the most beautiful thing he's ever heard in his entire life. Looking up, he finds Zoro's eyes on him, though they flicker away almost as soon as their gazes meet.

_ Why _ ? Usopp doesn't ask.  _ Why didn't you come talk to me? You know I'd understand.  _

"I didn't want to bug you," Zoro whispers, as though he could read Usopp's mind. "You're doing so good. I didn't want to stress you out. Fuck it up."

He had been doing good. It's been months since he self harmed. His therapist keeps telling him how great he's doing. All of his journals are full of exercises and different ways he's learned to cope with his anxieties.

"I'm sorry," Zoro continues. "I didn't. I didn't want you guys to find me like that." His voice wavers. Usopp's heart shatters. "Shoulda just. I'm sorry."

Usopp doesn't tell him it's okay. Because it isn't. "Thank you," he says instead. "For acknowledging my feelings. It means a lot. I'm sorry too. I should have paid closer attention."

"Please, don't." Zoro pushes himself slightly on the swing. "I didn't want you to know. You'd feel bad. And I don't want you to."

"Well, for future reference, I want to know. You're my friend, Zoro. I care about you."

Zoro falls silent again, eyed on the ground as he rocks back and forth on his toes.

Getting Zoro's door back turns out to be a lot harder than Usopp anticipates. Nami refuses to tell him where the damn thing is and Sanji and Frank make it clear they agree with her decision. Which is fucking ridiculous and pisses Usopp off to no end.

So, he does the only thing he can think of to remedy the situation.

"You don't have to," Zoro mutters as Usopp finishes lugging the last of his things into Zoro's room. "It's not that big of a deal. She doesn't trust me. I don't blame her."

"Well, I do. Fuck Nami," Usopp replies.

Zoro opens his mouth to speak but clamps it shut again when Luffy appears, blinking around the room in surprise.

"Whatcha doin'?" Luffy asks, slightly hesitant.

"Zoro and I switched rooms," Usopp says, tossing his pillows onto the bed.

Luffy frowns, gaze flickering to Zoro for a moment and Usopp restrains the urge to punch him. "Nami isn't gonna like that."

"Yeah, well Nami isn't my mother," Usopp snaps. "Zoro and I are both adults, we can do what we damn well please."

Anger and resentment bubble up in his chest, weaving themselves together in a giant dragon of protectiveness. Luffy blinks back at him, at a loss for words. After a moment, he shrugs and vanishes. Zoro's face falls a little more as he does so.

Luffy's discomfort around Zoro has become painfully obvious. He never talks to Zoro and barely stays in the same room long enough to have dinner. Which really fucking sucks because Luffy is supposed to be Zoro's best friend. But, now that he doesn't know what to do with Zoro's sullen silence and unpredictable bouts of depression, Luffy has just kind of abandoned him.

Catching Usopp's eye, and once again apparently reading his mind, Zoro shrugs. "It's my fault," he tells Usopp. "I did it."

"It is absolutely  _ not _ your fault that Luffy's being a tool," Usopp replies firmly.

Again, Zoro shrugs. "He doesn't like weak people."

Usopp shoots him a glare. "You aren't weak."

Zoro's lips twist, his gaze dropping to the ground. Biting back a sigh, Usopp turns to finish putting his things on his shelves and rearranging the room.

"Hey, Usopp?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks. For - um. Well, thanks."

_ Thanks for trusting me. Thanks for still acting like I'm me. _

Usopp smiles at him. "Yeah, of course. That's what -what's the word again? You said it a couple of months ago, when I came to you about my art show."

Zoro's brow furrows for a moment, trying to remember the conversation.

"You said it means family."

For a moment, Zoro's eyes sparkle. "Nakama."

"Yeah, that's the one. That's what nakama are for, right?"

It's a sudden and brief moment, but Zoro's smile looks real. "Yeah," he agrees. "That's what nakama are for."

_ "Oh, you're busy. Sorry, I'll just-" _

_ "Stop."  _

_ Zoro was soaked through with sweat, headphones dangling around his neck, blasting music, and very clearly in the middle of one of his intense workouts. But, the word paused Usopp before he could flee too far down the hallway. Turning back, he watched Zoro open the door a little wider and motion for him to enter.  _

_ "I'm not busy. Come on." _

_ The room was clean, a few weights sitting on the floor by the window and Usopp slipped in carefully, glancing around. A few posters hung on the wall, along with a few pictures of Zoro at various kendo tournaments with his sister and father. His two swords - Usopp could never remember their names - sat on a small stand on his dresser. _

_ Zoro gestured to his bed, grabbing a towel from his closet door. "What's up?" _

I think I want to kill myself.  _ How did one even bring those words up? What was Usopp even doing here? Zoro wouldn't care. He'd just think Usopp was being a crybaby. _

This is a mistake _ , his mind screams.  _ He's going to laugh in your face, tell you to man up, and hate you for interrupting his training.

_ "Usopp?" Zoro waved a hand in front of his face. "Earth to Usopp. You okay in there?" _

_ "Huh? Oh, yeah. Never mind. It's fine. I just needed - um. You know what? I just remembered-" _

_ "Oi," Zoro said, voice gentle but firm. "Told you, didn't I? You don't have to tell me the truth, but don't lie to me, okay?" _

_ Usopp clicked his mouth shut. _

_ There was a surprising softness in Zoro's eyes as he leaned against his desk. "Bad day?" _

_ Swallowing, Usopp nodded.  _

_ "Wanna hang out in here? I've only got another set left. Then we can go get a beer or something." _

_ "No, it's fine." The hole in the left knee of his jeans suddenly seems all too interesting. "You're busy." _

_ "Naw." Zoro shakes his head. "You're nakama, remember? I'm never too busy for nakama. Let me change. We can go check out that new coffee place. You've been looking for a new place to sketch, right?" _

_ "You really don't have to." _

_ "I really do. I told you, baka. You're my nakama. Your bad day is my bad day." _

_ "But, your workout." _

_ Zoro waved a dismissive hand. "I'll just do extra tomorrow." _

_ Which was the most shocking thing Usopp had ever heard in his life. Zoro  _ never _ skipped training. And, yet, he was willing to skip training for Usopp. Of all people. Tears gathered in Usopp's eyes before he managed to stop them. And then, to his absolute horror, he was bawling his eyes out in front of Roronoa Zoro. Arguably the toughest and most badass guy in their friend group. What a fucking embarrassment. _

_ The bed dipped beside him and an arm slung over his shoulders, tugging him into Zoro's side. _

_ "You're alright," Zoro said softly. "I gotcha." _

_ Usopp couldn't stop crying. No matter how hard he tried, the tears and the sobs just kept coming and coming. Zoro didn't move or complain. Instead, he whispered words of encouragement. For Usopp to keep crying.  _

_ "I gotcha. You're safe. Let it out." _

_ By the time Usopp calmed himself down, Zoro's shirt was soaked with his tears instead of sweat. _

_ "Sorry," Usopp whispered, pulling away. "I didn't. I wasn't. I don't know why." _

_ Zoro waited for him to stop stumbling over words to speak. "You're having a bad day. Nothing wrong with that, Usopp. Thanks for coming to me. You wanna go out for coffee or hang out here?" _

_ Usopp blinked at him. So casual and calm. No disgust or annoyance or even pity. Zoro gave him an encouraging smile instead.  _ Thanked _ him for crying on his shoulder. And he just didn't get it. _

_ "I don't want to go anywhere," Usopp muttered.  _

_ He felt exhausted. Like every bone in his body weighed a thousand pounds. Zoro nodded, reaching over to grab the remote of his TV. _

_ "Here. See if you can find a movie. I'm going to grab a quick shower. Want popcorn or something while I'm down there?" _

_ "Um. Yeah. Sure." _

_ Zoro grabbed a change of clothes, popped the remote into Usopp's hand, and headed for the door. _

_ "Hey, Zoro?" _

_ "Yeah?" _

_ "Thanks." _

Three soft raps on the doorframe catch Usopp’s attention. He looks up from his sketch, biting back a sigh as he pulls his earbuds out. Probably Nami to lecture him again. Because apparently, if he’s the one giving Zoro a door, he’s the one that needs to babysit Zoro. Everytime she talks about Zoro like he’s a five-year-old who stole a candy bar, he has to resist the urge to slap her.

His annoyance fades when he finds Zoro in his doorway, wringing his hands and staring at the floor. Fear and uncertainty pour off him, flooding Usopp’s room. Usopp swallows hard.

“Hey, Zoro. What’s up?” It takes all of Usopp’s effort to keep the concern out of his voice. 

Zoro pulls in a deep breath, guilt in his eyes as he looks up at Usopp. It steals Usopp’s breath and he suddenly finds his gaze scanning Zoro’s body, searching for any sign of blood or injury.

“I don’t,” Zoro mutters softly, “trust myself right now. Do you mind?”

Relief washes over Usopp’s entire body at the words. He hasn’t hurt himself. He’s just having a bad day. And, he came to Usopp. It’s impossible for Usopp to want anymore than that. He shoves all of his art supplies off his bed without hesitation, waving Zoro in.

“No, of course not!” 

“Sorry,” Zoro whispers, dragging his feet as he enters the room.

“Don’t be sorry,” Usopp tells him. “Thank you for coming to me.”

Zoro shrugs, hugging his knees to his chest and leaning against his headboard. Usopp’s heart sinks into his stomach. Dropping his sketchbook onto the bed, he turns to look at Zoro. 

“Hey, do you want to talk?”

Tugging his knees closer, Zoro’s gaze darts to his doorway. Usopp leans forward, following his gaze. It takes him a moment for the realization to sink in. Zoro’s waiting to see if any of the others will walk by. 

“They aren’t home,” Usopp offers. “Nami and Robin took Chopper shopping for his date next week. Sanji’s at work. And Franky and Brook went to the movies with Luffy. It’s just us.” 

Tears shine in Zoro’s gray eyes. Usopp doesn’t speak, shuffling himself to the headboard so that he can sit at Zoro’s side.

“I wish I’d died,” Zoro whispers.

The admission slaps Usopp across the face. He swallows hard.

“Why did you make me live?” Tears track down Zoro’s face and he buries his face in his arms. “They all hate me. I disappointed everyone and they’ll never. I don’t want them to be disappointed in me. I just. I’m going to be alone forever. Why did you make me live? I wanted to die.”

Usopp’s heart stutters as he watches Zoro’s shoulder’s tremble. He stares at Zoro, unable to make himself speak. Zoro doesn’t make a sound when he cries. It’s painful to watch. Usopp has spotted the tears, he knows Zoro’s crying. But, his friend’s body jerks silently, knuckles white around his knees. Trying to be silent. Trying not to let anyone know.

“Zoro,” Usopp’s voice finally works. 

“I’m supposed to be strong. They won’t want me if I’m not strong. And I’m not. I’m not.” Zoro’s rambling now and Usopp knows it. Under any other circumstances, Zoro would never allow himself to admit any of this. “I wanted to stop disappointing people. I wanted to stop being a burden. But, no matter what I do, I’m a failure.”

“You’re not,” Usopp whispers.

He slings an arm around Zoro’s shoulders, pulling the kendo champion against him. Zoro falls into Usopp’s side with ease and without protest. 

“You’re not a failure, Zoro. And you’re not a disappointment.” 

“They’re never going to want me again,” Zoro sobs. His attempts at quiet crying vanish. Heavy, hiccuping sobs fill the air. “No one’s ever going to want me.” 

Usopp’s been looking for the underlying cause for a long time. He never imagined it would be the same as his. Zoro’s terrified of being alone, unwanted. His grip tightens around Zoro’s shoulder.

“I want you,” Usopp whispers. “I’ll always want you, Zoro. I promise.”

Zoro’s sobs double, any attempts at speech long forgotten. Usopp doesn’t speak either, maneuvering Zoro so he can lay down, back facing the door. Zoro trembles as Usopp pulls the blanket up over his shoulder, not commenting on his friend’s echoing sobs. It feels like hours that Zoro finally stops sobbing, head buried in Usopp’s shoulder and his hands fisted in Usopp’s shirt.

“I’m sorry,” Zoro mutters, voice thick and hoarse. He pushes himself up and away from Usopp, scrubbing a hand across his face. “I’m sorry. I’m fine. I didn’t mean to. I’m fine.”

“Zoro,” Usopp says, fighting back a sigh. “Hey, you can talk to me. You can always talk to me.”

“I’m fine,” Zoro insists, shoving the blankets off. “I’m fine.”

“Hey.” Usopp snatches Zoro’s arm gently. “Zoro, you don’t have to tell me the truth if you don’t want to. But, please, don’t lie to me.”

The words seem to freeze him. To Usopp’s horror, more tears gather in Zoro’s eyes. Neither of them move, staring at each other. Zoro blinks first.

“I’m sorry,” he repeats, blinking the tears away.

Usopp wants to strike those words from his vocabulary. If he hears Zoro say “I’m sorry” one more time, he thinks he’s going to throw something.

“I don’t.” Zoro steadies himself, pulling in a deep breath. “You’re doing so good, Usopp. I can’t screw it up. I won’t.”

“Zoro,” Usopp says. “You’re not screwing anything up.” 

Trembling, Zoro shakes his head. “I will. You shouldn’t have to worry about me. I’ll figure it out. I won’t. I won’t do it again. I _ promise _ .”

The weight of the words settles in the air. The word means everything to Zoro. To promise is to make an unbreakable vow, something to follow through with no matter what the consequences.

Usopp sets his jaw, pulling in a slow and careful breath. “I am doing good,” he says. “I feel better, lighter. This is the best I’ve felt in years. And it’s all because of you.”

Zoro freezes, surprising sparkling in his eyes.

Usopp plunges ahead. “I was thinking about killing myself. That day I came to talk to you, when you were working out. It popped into my head and it wouldn’t go away. I was afraid to tell you, afraid of what you’d think of me and then you said you’d skip your workout because I was having a bad day. You never do that. Even when you get hurt, you still do your workouts. But, you were going to skip it. For  _ me _ . You saved my life, Zoro. You’re the reason I wanted to get better.”

Hesitantly, Zoro sinks into the bed again. Usopp breathes. 

“Thank you,” Usopp says. “For thinking about me. And, I’m sorry that you felt like you had to do this alone. Because you don’t. I’m always here, Zoro, no matter what you need. I’m glad you’re still here. You’re my nakama.”

Eyes shining with tears again, Zoro gives him a slightly strained smile. 

Downstairs, the front door opens and then slams shut again. Usopp rolls his eyes when he hears the slap of sandals on the stairs. Leave it Luffy to show up when he’s actually getting somewhere. Beside him, Zoro immediately and desperately begins to dry his face, refusing to look at the door. 

One day, Usopp’s going to strangle Luffy.

The dark haired teen strops in his doorway, staring in at them. Zoro fiddles with the blankets, shoulders hunched as though afraid to meet Luffy’s gaze.

_ “They’re never going to want me again.” _

Zoro’s words ring in Usopp’s ears as he looks up at Luffy. In Zoro’s mind, their friends don’t want anything to do with him any more. Most likely because they don’t. Chopper mostly hovers awkwardly to ask how he’s feeling. Nami and Sanji try to follow him around like he’s a naughty child when he isn’t in his room. Franky cries everytime Zoro actually meets his gaze. Brook tries to “cheer him up with a song”. And Luffy just tries to flee the room anytime he might actually have to look at Zoro. 

Only Robin seems to have any inkling on how to treat Zoro, mostly going about her day as normal. But, Robin isn’t the type to talk about feelings or push for conversation, so it might feel like she’s avoiding him as well.

“Something wrong?” Luffy asks.

His voice shatters the silence around them. Zoro’s head ducks even lower. 

_ “It’s my fault. He doesn't like weak people.” _

Zoro won’t want Luffy to know any of this. Once upon a time, Usopp thought he knew what Luffy would do in this situation. He thought Luffy would look puzzled, then bound into the room, wrap Zoro in a hug and say something like  _ “that’s so dumb, Zoro! You’re the strongest in the whole world! It’s okay if you feel sad. I used to feel sad after Ace, right? You said that didn’t make me weak, so you aren’t weak either. You can always tell me when you feel bad!” _ . Now, after watching Luffy flee the room every time he looked at Zoro, Usopp isn’t so sure. Usopp doesn’t know if  _ he _ trusts Luffy enough to let him in on Zoro’s insecurities.

“No, Luffy,” Usopp replies. “Don’t worry about it.”

Luffy’s gaze sharpens. “Don’t lie.”

“Luffy,” Usopp growls.

More shoes tap against the stairs. Usopp prays Luffy will just go away. Beside him, Zoro’s grip tightens on the blankets on his lap.

Luffy’s lips twist in an angry frown, his eyes moving to Zoro. Protective anger washes over Usopp and he opens his mouth to tell Luffy to go the hell away when Luffy speaks first.

“Zoro, is something wrong?” 

Zoro’s eyes close and he draws in a long, deep breath before he looks at Luffy. For the first time in weeks, the two of them make eye contact. Usopp fights the urge to inch closer to Zoro and wrap him in a protective hug. The look lasts only a few seconds but it feels like hours before Zoro breaks their gaze first. He shakes his head, dropping his gaze to the blankets again. 

Luffy doesn’t move and anger flickers in his eyes. Usopp’s heart tightens, his own temper ticking dangerously. 

“Stop lying!” Luffy orders. “Lying is why it’s like this in the first place!”

“Luffy,” Usopp snarls.

Zoro’s knuckles go white around the blankets. After the conversation they’d just had, the last thing Zoro needs is Luffy being an asshole.

“No! Things are all broken and no one will fix them!”

“Luffy, stop it!” 

“No! Zoro did something bad and I don’t want him to do it again. And nobody wants to talk about it, so it won’t get fixed and I want it fixed.”

Zoro’s body tenses with every word. The footsteps Usopp heard earlier hurry up the stairs, the girls and Chopper appearing as well. 

“Luffy, go away,” Usopp orders. “You’re being an asshole.”

“What the hell is going on?” Nami asks.

Chopper pushes his way into the doorway. “Is everybody okay?” His gaze lingers on Zoro.

“Perhaps,” Robin says, voice calm but firm. “We should all stop crowding the doorway and yelling.”

Downstairs, the door opens again. Usopp wants to scream. Zoro’s shoulders hunch slightly, his eyes closed and breathing deep.

“No. I don’t wanna pretend anymore. This is dumb. We’re gonna talk, cause Zoro almost  _ died _ . And you all just wanna ignore it and not talk about it. But I wanna talk about it-“

“Well, I don’t!” Zoro’s harsh snarl splits the air. His head snaps up, fury in his gaze as he looks at Luffy. It's a look Usopp’s never seen directed at anyone Zoro calls nakama. “I don’t want to fucking talk about it, Luffy. I’m glad you feel like your life’s worth living. But guess what,  _ asshole _ ? Mine fucking  _ sucks _ !”

No one moves. Usopp swears Zoro’s outburst stole all the air from the room. Tears gather in Luffy’s eyes and Chopper claps both hands over his mouth. Before Usopp can offer him any comfort, Zoro shoots off the bed, shoving past Luffy with more force than necessary, and slams his door shut.

Zoro doesn’t come out of his room for the rest of the day. Luffy goes to cry in Law’s arms and Usopp glares at anyone who dares ask what happened. He settles himself next to Zoro’s bedroom door after the first hour of silence.

**Me (Monday, 6:23PM):** _Don’t listen to Luffy. He’s an asshole._

**_Message seen (Monday, 6:23PM)_ ** **.**

Usopp sighs, fiddling with his phone.

**Me (Monday, 6:25PM):** _If you need me, let me know. I’ll listen. I promise._

**_Message seen (Monday, 6:25PM)._ **

Luffy joins Usopp at Zoro’s door at two in the morning. Neither of them speak, but there’s guilt in Luffy’s eyes. Usopp takes it as a win.

**Me (Tuesday, 4:07PM):** _Sanji made onigiri. He’ll leave it outside your door._

**_Message seen (Tuesday, 4:08PM)_ ** _. _

**Me (Wednesday, 7:15AM):** _Morning._

**_Message seen (Wednesday, 7:18AM)._ **

**Me (Thursday, 7:15AM):** _Morning._

**_Message seen (Wednesday 7:24AM)_ **

**Me (Thursday, 12:48PM):** _Did you know they’re doing a Karate Kid sequel series?_

**_Message seen (Thursday, 1:15PM)_ **

Usopp wants more. Wants a text back. Wants to hold Zoro until the bad thoughts leave him for good. But at least Zoro’s giving him something.  _ Message seen. _ The two words are a simple message, but Usopp appreciates it all the same.

_ Message seen. _

_ I’m alive. _

Saturday morning, Zoro appears in his doorway again. Usopp wants to sob in relief when Zoro settles on the bed next to him, lips twisted in thought.

“What’s your therapist’s name?” Zoro finally asks.

A weight slips off Usopp’s shoulder. He reaches into his desk drawer, pulling out the business card and handing it to Zoro. With a deep, audible breath, Zoro accepts it.

“This is a really big step,” Usopp tells him. “I’m proud of you.”

A shiver rushes through Zoro’s body. “I’m sorry,” Zoro whispers. “For everything.”

Usopp’s heart shatters. “I don’t want you to be sorry, Zoro. I want you to feel better.”

Zoro stares at the card, flipping it in his fingers. Usopp sees the gears in his head moving slowly, watches thoughts form and die on the tip of his tongue.

“Have you talked to your family?” Usopp asks hesitantly.

“My dad doesn’t want to talk to me,” Zoro mutters, his eyes dropping to the scars on his arms. “I shamed the family.” 

_ Fuck him _ , Usopp doesn’t say. “What about your sister?”

Zoro freezes, not so much as breathing. 

Concern fills Usopp’s chest. “Zoro? Hey, I didn’t mean-”

“Kuina’s dead.”

The floor drops out from under Usopp. “Wh-what? But, I thought. You said she was in college.”

Zoro hugs his knees to his chest. “She was. She died last year. Fell down the stairs. Snapped her neck.”

Last year? Holy shit. How did he not know that? Jesus, no wonder Zoro’s had such a hard time. First Ace and then - Usopp’s heart sinks even further.

“When?” he asks, hoping he doesn’t already know the answer.

“August.”

Same as Ace. Shit. Shit.  _ Shit _ . Usopp remembers that fight. Four days after Ace’s funeral, Zoro had left town for a few days. They’d all been angry with him, even Usopp. Luffy had been devastated after Ace’s unexpected death and the funeral had been even harder. It had taken everything to get Luffy off the couch. Zoro had carried him the entire time, holding Luffy close. And then, he’d left. Luffy needed Zoro and Zoro had left.

Because his sister had died.

His sister died and he didn’t tell them because Luffy was a wreck. Zoro didn’t want them to give any comfort to him, only to Luffy.

Usopp swears he’s been punched in the gut.

“Zoro.”

“He needed you.” Zoro’s voice trembles. “He needed you and I was fine. It sucked but I was fine. I was.” The next breath Zoro releases is a mix between a sob and a scoff. “I’m not okay. I miss her so much.”

Usopp slings an arm around Zoro’s shoulder, allowing Zoro to lean on him. 

Shit.

Zoro had needed them. And no one had been there for him.

“She loved me. Even when Dad was disappointed in me, Kuina loved me. No one else has ever.” Zoro leans further into Usopp. “I thought. I thought he loved me too. Kuina’s gone but I had him. I thought I still had someone.”

“You have me,” Usopp promises.

“I’m scared.” Zoro whispers.

“That’s okay. You’re allowed to be scared, Zoro.”

Zoro sniffles, his gaze moving to the card again. “Will you come with me? I won’t go by myself. I’m sorry.”

“I’ll take you,” Usopp says quickly. “I’ll drive you to every session, Zoro.”

Zoro nods. His hand drops to wrist, running along the scar. Usopp doesn’t miss the small red scratches along his skin. “Thank you.”

Nodding, Usopp hugs him a little tighter. “I’ll always be here, Zoro. I promise.”

**Author's Note:**

> And thus, I give you my return to AO3! I hope you were all safe and found some enjoyment in this fic. This isn't a ending full of closure because, unfortunately, sometimes there isn't one. Sometimes relationships can't be fixed. Sometimes things aren't wrapped up in a perfect bow. Sometimes, an "I'm here for you" or an "I love you" isn't enough to make everything better. That's life. And life sucks. But, it's an ending with a step in the right direction. There is no weakness in mental health issues. There is no weakness in asking for help. It's a difficult thing, but in the end it's always worth asking for help. I promise. You are not alone.  
> I'm rooting for you. I love you.
> 
> The US National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 800-273-8255. (I'm sorry, I only know the number for the US Line but PLEASE know what your NSPL number is if your country has one. But it in your phone. For you, for a friend. For anyone who needs it)
> 
> Online therapy is always a slightly cheaper option for anyone who can't afford in person or for anyone in an area suffering from high COVID-19 cases that is nervous to leave the house. Sites such as [BetterHelp](https://www.betterhelp.com/) are a great alternative.
> 
> If your friends are suffering, be there for them. Don't make them feel guilty. Don't make it about yourself. Life is hard. Don't let anyone go through it feeling alone.
> 
> I'm hoping to have the finishing chapters for _All That We Are (All We've Ever Been)_ and _Born of Blade_ up within the next few weeks. Until then: everyone, please stay healthy, stay sane, and stay safe out there.


End file.
